unsettled mind

woah i actually came out with a title for this very entry of mine. if a picture paints a thousand words, then i guess a title tells a whole lot non-abstract more. lately ive been unsettled. well most of the times i am, no? but this time. there is this thing like, erghh hard to explain, fire? fire maybe? burning flame in my chest waiting to explode! i know very radical ya? but i guess thats the thing when it comes to thinking of your own future. I'll be done. will be done real soon. Im glad i made it this far. I do. I DO appreciate that throughout these years, i am granted with these opportunities : education, different education systems, and even learn a whole lot more through out my academic years. Despite all these, I wish i could have done better. GPAs, co-curricular, student life, employment, and you know people just dont stop. and maybe i just dont stop. but whenever i reflect, would i be wanting it differently? MAYBE NO. When you learn it hard way, it teaches you hard way too. There are nights when im like, ugh fudge should have done it that way,ugh this way. COULD have done that, ugh and maybe that too. and that is actually torturing. the thing is i just dont know what am i doing or what would i be doing, dont say in ten years time, i dont even know what would i be doing once im done with my degree. and knowing that this time, i am at my point of departure, all-grown up. that definitely adds to something, hey man. finally in charge for your own life. err. thanks, but really i wish there is an answer of no thanks to that. in all honestly, i dont know what i want to do, or what my plan is. but all i know is, i am ambitious. i want to do something big, i want to be not just ordinary, i want to achieve, to experience, and live life like there are just so much more of it i havent tasted. i want to make big bucks, and i want to feel capable, and seem like one. and there are also another part in which i wanna channel it with all the goodness in life. say, ehmm teaching in Cambodia? or teach that women empowerment is really important in India. i just want to inspire. ooh that sounds familiar eh? everybody wants all of these. everybody wants to do the same. everybody wants to be at the level exactly where i have always wanted to be. but interestingly, what makes a difference is action. when you want something in front of you, sometimes you gotta leave what is behind of you. and of course that is not easy. thinking of going out of our own safety nets, our familiarity, our comfort zones. that aint easy man. but lets just hope, no matter what it is, whatever i decide in nearing time soon,it will work well. and even if it dont, i guess ALLAH knows better, ameen. truly, a person who is still very much boggled, confused thoughts.