today i learn that.life is all about change, changes. i know ive been talking about change again and again but the truth is, im not willing to change, to let changes come and knock me.i think i should have changed my name to change and let this name reminds me of its existence.screw you. because right now, im more like a girl who cant be moved. i want my past to be my future. i want my life to be just the way it is, because as far as i concerned, i treasure every of my nineteen years old serving on Earth. i love the pain of waking up early in the morning and get ready for 7.30 am classes. i love when my teachers bossing around, and ilove the feeling of copying homework again and again.and i love being at home, where i belong the most, where i would have been doing chores.picking up clothes, washing dishes, sweeping floor and my nonstop complaining " sat maa " " alaa mama suka suroh adik buat kerja" " okay satgi la" and i miss the beauty of the transitions, cartoon to mtv, playing outside to internet, friendster to myspace. running to walking. i forgot that these things changed throughout my life transitions.i forgot that, i know things must change. because that is what it is. somehow, i refused. i refused this thing. i refused my current life.just because im longing to have back what i had. i love when it is all about me, my parents and my never growing up siblings. i miss them being silly as i am, i miss me and my nadira being as kiddo as we were. i miss dancing in the rain with my bestfriends, i miss being all restricted, i miss curfews, i miss my own bed and my greenish hometown, i miss being told all the do-s and dont-s, i miss watching doraemon every saturday with my mom, and i miss waiting for my father back from golfing , i miss sleeping with them and i miss hatyai , our fave pots ! i miss listening to 80s and 90s songs, because i grew up with lite fm. i miss me being spoiled and affected by teenage hormones. i miss my first love. because. he showed me how jerky he was. and i miss having the butterflies whenever i saw him, i miss talking on phone with him and screw him, my bills ! dangg you, i miss me being silly over him, and i miss how he made me felt like *budak ni kalo aku sunat baru padan muka* and i miss our fights and stupid acts. i miss our good moments. i miss how he made me like someone. and never stop doing that. and i miss how he taught me what love is. and how i can derive that love better than calculus ! he taught me how months can be very valuable and untouchable. he taught me so much that he taught me pain. people says you'll never fall for someone so hard when you're young. i guess that is just what people thought. until they really find someone. fall for that person really hard that they can even curse.and shout. and finally they are going to end up just like me- spending every seconds of approximately 64 months missing and loving the same dude.
i've always thought of him as my future. until this very last moment.
but again. we human are amazing at planning ey ?? guess plan stays as plan. well written on mind. but less likely be able to rationalized.
and here i am, after 64 months. flagging a white flag, and there you go.


i quit.
loving you.
goodbye jerk and you're aint a jerk
you're a good jerk.
eh no you're a jerk.
ehhhhhhhhhh no,
i dont know you,
bye!


p/s : smile and wink throughout the hard phase*
harap maaf post kali ini adalah seperti cerita hindustan setiap jumaat pukul 2.
and i'll always treasure you jerk.