april 10, Thursday. The weather today is perfectly perfect! I love it when it is not cold, and not hot. i love it when it seems gloomy, but again, not too gloomy. okay let me just face it, I suck big time at describing! it seems like im enjoying my life abroad too much hey? sushi when I feel like it, dimsum when Im craving of it, jajangmyun when im feeling kpop-ish. and of course not mentioned are those times those nights when i cry missing home, when i skip meals so that i could finish up my essays, those nights when im pushing my brain to accept what it refuses to accept! i dont know if this is the phase when everybody who is about to embark a new journey is in deep confusion. forget people but here I am 100 percent in deep not just confusion but anxiousness, and djdjdhdddjjdgjghdbcjbcbfhfuwdfbdgfwwfbfbcsf! i remember clearly how i barely make it during my first year, i remember how my friends went through emotional breakdowns just because pushing yourself throughout your college life is not always rainbows and suns. throughout my academic life, to be honest, never once i sleep feeling all secured that I'LL be graduating with a bachelor's degree. for three years straight, this is bad but i have always had a feeling that i will be a college dropped out! studying was never easy, essays? tell me how many sleepless nights ive had during these years only to figure out that A IS IMPOSSIBLE! AND you should somehow be grateful with a C+ rather than being charged of plagiarism or a big fat F stamped on your paper! studying is hard. not just education but you are somehow expected to have experiences, to possess some sort of leadership skills, and of course you should be able to hoo hoo haa haha hee too! but of course who to blame? ooh and note the differences in approaches to teaching, studying, examinations. and these all of course, not included social pains in adapting, making new friends, and sticking with the old ones. not having people to guide you, trust me, i can only sigh while typing. to be honest, i am not someone with self empathy, and i can assure you that my confidence level is not something that i should be worried too, but i feel like im draining out of energy. went for interviews and "youre a good candidate, but very sorry you somehow need at least work experience to be accepted", " your easy going attitude is very irresistible, but the candidate we're choosing has experience working with us" and "im sorry we find it really hard to make this decision!" uhh now i know this must be life. welcome to the reality of life! with assignments and assignments, and assignments, and exams, everything feels like out of reach! had my first exam and that was brutal. but again, who to blame? to do good is actually to be exceptionally good throughout the semester, and trust me if this is not whining okay yeah maybe im whining! i'll be coming back to family expectations, society expectations, and my own expectations. and havent your heard, expectations kill you gently. talked to my friends about this. well some are satisfied with a 2.5, while the other is stretching all out to get a 2.5, one is crying day and night hoping by the end of this academic year she wont be expelled. how crazy is that? even crazier, how am i fooling if never once me and my girl friends here even thought of getting married to a rich guy. or approach one of our soon to be engineer friends. now that is crazy! and i would be guilty for life for taking education i have received and years of my life feeling ambitious that lowly and for granted. so here i am feeling stupid, sometimes have to be grateful with my 15/20 marks only to know that there are actually people who got 19/20, have to be satisfied my mere 2 ish GPAs, and my foreseeable future (hopefully not) of being unemployed! and then i read again, a confession on ualberta page how this one girl felt down whenever she thought of doing well in school( cant blame her! everyone does) how she wished she could go into law or medic school, and of course nothing is wrong with wanting more, wanting to be more, but when it doesnt always work our ways, the only way to keep going is to not only focus on doing well, but be well. be a better person. i can assure like at least 70 percent of people want to have professional jobs, want to look good while working, want to earn good money, but for sure not everyone gets everything they wish for. one thing that i have learned, it is going to be hard. and i should be well composed of the choices i made and about to make. im sorry, and that is to myself for this disappointment i could no longer contain.