self-trap.

Too much of alone time can actually be a self-conflicting trap. You enjoy so much doing things by yourself, talking to yourself, and do the thinking (by) and for yourself, you lost the joy of having companies.

Ushering 2018 in realising and discovering me more. I am actually bad at small talks.
I (dont) enjoy being the social awkward I am but I certainly don't jive in the small talks - other people's businesses, hairdos, make-up talks, materialising or the knowledge of designers' handbags out there. (more or less, I maybe do not find the needs of all those) but the struggle is a real challenge when you cant unstuck yourself from a group of people who literally enjoy those. I do have some of the items in the closet and do sometimes contemplate on which Burberry lip colour would suit me best, but it ends in 5 seconds timeframe. And I dont laugh at jokes (maybe I do not get the jokes?) and I sure walk super fast these days leaving the girls behind- am suspecting that im becoming more and more emotionally unavailable for most people these days. I hate Message notifications and I don't usually find the need for birthdays celebration or fancy gifts. I can be (very) generous on daily basis but I can also be rather thought-less when it comes to special events or sentimental values in which most girls would put their thoughts into, and I feel sorry for my girls that I am actually emotionally unavailable most of the times. I do not hold hands and I (at times) despise the efforts people take in taking selfies or pictures. I just want toooo pick up a book, get my kopi ais and not talk.

And the truth is, people are all weird and awkward in their very own ways. I love love love my friends and I am also the same person who is inhaling and exhaling relieved moments knowing that I am finally back in my own room and own company. I can see me not having to talk for hours and not having those silent gaps (because I literally dont know and dont care of the topics and i cant hide it). I am naturally not (so much) of a shy person, I enjoy talking to strangers and new people where I dont see me sustaining, retaining, comitting or having the need to be with them in a long run. So, commitment issue?

Friendship and relationship are not just about accomodating but teamwork. The self confidence that you decide to display and the confidence that you have in people you're investing in work in parallel. I do wish some days, I will learn to be socially less-awkward, enjoy people around me a whole load more, and meet someone who I can finally think of as a lifetime company and not think of that as a death sentence( okay thats a hyperbole) but yeah, you get me.